Mom, You Can Help With My Addiction
This was written to a mom. This Letter is part of a three-part series on addiction. The names have been changed and the treatment centres are in Ottawa, Ontario.
Also read: Are You a Real Alcoholic? Drug user? Is Everything OK? and Letter to a Drug Addict.
Your sons Kevin and George have a drinking and drug problem. We’ve pretended over the years that it isn’t a problem.
It’s too easy for me to blame them. I have to remember this isn’t a social problem or any one person’s fault. I must be kind to them and remember their addiction doesn’t define who they are.
Addiction is more common than you think in Ottawa — about 1 in 50 Canadians regularly abuse alcohol and close to 1 in 100 use illegal drugs.
Even if you don’t drink or use drugs, if you just visit Kevin and George a few days, you still might run the risk of harm’s way. I wonder how many fights happened or were avoided because a family member or a friend was in the room?
I want to blame them for their tempers and addiction. I want to say, “Why can’t you and the others just quit using?” Like I am blaming their willpower. It might have been a choice at one time but now it’s part of their self-image.
Today, I’m learning to avoid using the word ‘addict,’ instead use ‘substance abuse.’ When we use words like ‘dirty’ or ‘clean,’ we stigmatize the person. We don’t want people to feel they can never change.
As much as I want to, I can’t blame Kevin and George.
It appears some people are born with a genetic disposition to becoming dependent. Some of the research suggests people use drugs or alcohol to escape a memory or a current experience. “Feeling good” is a dopamine release of brain chemicals. If you want to stop using a substance, it becomes harder. You want more to get the same effects. Kevin and George grew up in a household and among friends who drank a lot. It’s also a way to cope with depression, to feel connected to others, and mask feelings of emptiness or loneliness.
Kevin and George’s substance abuse is worsened by the fact they use more than one drug. George’s HIV medicine mixes with alcohol to give him an induced-dementia. If Kevin and George ever had dreams that gave them purpose, it’s gone now. There’s a stigma in talking openly about substance dependence. After all, we might even want to ask ourselves if Kevin and George really have a problem?
Fear that Kevin and George will lose temper is a common concern. That’s the crack and alcohol withdrawal affecting them. George talks a lot. Kevin wants to fight. This feeling hides an even deeper problem, they no longer have dreams. They forget about tomorrow, focusing only on the now.
We know Kevin and George have difficulties with taking on regular responsibilities such as working. Your family relationships are in conflict and deteriorating. My fear is that when you die, no one will be here to change them from using substances. Many have tried and fell into self-neglect and burnout. Kevin and George don’t understand what’s really going on. They know that if they stop, they begin to feel ill — they can’t use less, they want more.
If you see the problem as I do, then you should know that you’re not alone, that there are trained counselors who can help us. In Ontario, government health programs cover the fees for most treatment services. Kevin and George could learn work skills, lead healthier, balanced lives, and find ways to cope with relapses.
There is no “one-size-fits-all” when it comes to what works for each of us. There’s medication, self-care, or group care. There’s even long-term care help, where staying at a residential detox centre is an option. Educational programs offer training, like taking college classes and assistance programs. How about quitting smoking, government services can help here too? More than 80 percent of people who are dependent on substances also smoke.
Do I believe they can change?
No. I’m a cynic. I believe it is possible only if people really want it. Recovery is a journey. The chances of Kevin and George relapsing are high. There will be temptations. They will need to learn new coping strategies. Relapses are almost 100% guaranteed to happen. The most common reasons include wanting to have a good time with friends, dealing with a negative emotion, and testing one’s personal control.
Family and friends can help. There are things we should know before we do try to help. We forget that sometimes we are the problems. We sometimes deny or minimize the problem, we focus on the person we love we don’t want to hurt and want to fit into parent-child or old-friend roles with them. We need the help of a professional.
Recovery is possible for everyone, and hope inspires recovery. Dr. Gabor Maté talks about pain being the root cause of addiction and how to deal with pain in other ways. Unlike most addicts who had childhood traumas, Kevin and George have a good family, had a good life, and a hardworking mother and father.
There’s a Catch-22 situation with substance abuse and mental health problems. Substance use and mental health are linked. More than 15 percent of substance users report having a mental illness. Whereas about 20 percent of those with a mental illness report a substance use problem. Mental health and substance abuse problems can look very similar, making it harder for family and professionals to know where the problem lies — a substance use problem or a mental health problem, or both?
We know Kevin has depression. Only Kevin and George can decide when they want to stop. It’s called ‘harm reduction,’ a broader approach to health and well-being. It allows Kevin and George to choose their own definition of recovery and wellness. Abstinence is one point on the harm reduction spectrum. Most addiction problems can be treated so people can maintain day-to-day functioning. Community supports such as outreach services, housing-related advocacy, and mutual support groups are also available.
Since different factors lead to addiction, no single type of treatment works for everyone. The hard part is at the beginning: taking the first step into the counselor’s door for help. It all begins by meeting with a trained counselor to do an addiction assessment to get a good start.
Be honest with yourself, none of this works unless Kevin and George want this for themselves. The best chances for their success come from whether they want this change. If any of our interventions can align, it has to be what they want that motivates a positive change.
Let’s not think of this as ‘rescuing’ or ‘saving’ them. We cannot rescue or protect them from using substances. Assuming they want this change, I know they are going to be tempted and relapse a couple of times.
What do we do?
First off, know they have to want this for it to work. In this long journey we will see negative emotions bubbling up. Your positive force is your continuing repeated support, offering a healthy meal, time to relax, encourage them to exercise, tell them to sleep well, and listen to music. There is no magic formula since the ‘best’ is different for everybody. Over time, Kevin and George will learn what works best for them.
A hard lesson to learn is that regardless of what stage of dependence someone is in, it is possible to be supportive without feeling responsible for fixing the problem. As a mother, your greatest strength is that your children feel connected to you more than other key factors for change. Having someone like you who cares is a major factor in someone’s recovery journey.
Your and my help are bigger than you think. If they want this change, we improve their quality of life, reduce mental or emotional health problems, heal family and other relationships, and might actually help them with a medical problem.
Let’s talk about what’s possible and what’s out there to help. It all begins when Kevin and George are ready, by picking up the phone to make an appointment with a counselor.
Sandy Hill Community, Drug Addiction and Mental Health Services
- Phone: (613) 789–8941
- 221 Nelson Street, Ottawa, ON K1N 1C7
- E-Mail: info@apgso-stjpo.ca
Maison Decision House
- Phone: (613) 728–5013
- 37 Irving Avenue, Ottawa, ON K1Y 1Z2
- E-Mail: decision@trytel.com
Maison Fraternité — Fraternity House
- Phone: (613) 741–2523 or Toll-Free: 1(877) 654–0990
- 242 Cantin Street, Ottawa, ON K1L 6T2
- E-Mail: maisonfraternite@maisonfraternite.ca
Maison Fraternité — Fraternity House
- Phone: (613) 562–1415
- 300 Olmstead Street, Ottawa, ON K1L 7K1
- E-Mail: mfraternite@maisonfraternite.ca
Ottawa Booth Centre — Salvation Army Anchorage
- Phone: (613) 241–1573 ext. 302
- 175 George Street, Ottawa, ON K1N 5W5
Rideauwood Addiction and Family Services
- Phone: (613) 724–4881
- 312 Parkdale Avenue, Ottawa, ON K1Y 4X5
- E-Mail: rideauwood@rideauwood.com
Royal Ottawa Mental Health Centre for Drug Addiction
- Phone: (613) 722–6521
- 1145 Carling Avenue, Ottawa, ON K1Z 7K4
- E-Mail: suandcd@rohcg.on.ca
Serenity House
- Phone: (613) 733–3663 (Initial Assessment)
- Phone: (613) 755–7883 (Champlain District)
- 103 Leopolds Drive, Ottawa, ON K1V7E2
Serenity Renewal for Families
- Phone: (613) 523–5143
- 2810 Baycrest Drive, Ottawa, ON K1V 7P7
- E-Mail: info@serenityrenewal.ca
In the end, there are only a few outcomes to come from this message. One of them is that you want to do something. The other is that I tried.